Peripheral Apocalypse My biased outlook on the peripheral phenomenon, and more accurately, my bitching and moaning about the Kinect and Playstation Move being pieces of garbage.

I am old-fashioned when it comes to gaming peripherals, I enjoy some fancy new controller for say, Duck Hunt, which for you kids out there was a game that shipped along with the original Nintendo Entertainment system, sometimes on the same cartridge as Super Mario Bros. and some track jumping game that even had a padded mat that could sense when you ran and jumped. For those of you are too young to remember a cartridge is an old-fashioned medium to play video games on, in-which a block or square shaped piece of carbon holds a motherboard that maintains a video game, and is stuck into the video game console. This came bundled in a second/third wave of Nintendo systems to the U.S., and spawned the age of peripherals to the NES console. Sure, that awesome orange gun was perfect for bringing down ducks, and it didn’t take away from the overall accessibility of the NES controller, if not being far more comfortable than that little rectangular hand-cramping plastic marvel that had killed my thumbs for thousands of hours of my life. Peripherals are now even more accessible on the next-generation consoles, and even this current generation, but they do not always add the comfort seen by peripherals of the past. Some even go so far as to eliminate an entirely fun gaming experience with the lack of any tangible interaction (as if you couldn’t already guess who I mock) but look at it this way: most peripherals are great ideas on paper, and horribly executed in the marketplace. The worst peripherals I have ever seen is the U-force, which is the grand pappy of the Kinect. Sure, it was new-age technology leading full-footed into the digital mainstream, but it was horrendous, and barely worked, and was a solid example of a piece of trash that sucked up money, and gave the player no added value to their games. Wow! You wiped your hand across this over-glorified Xerox copier, and send Mario careening off a cliff like a blind suicide bomber. The system came out for the original NES, and I am not sure if it actually worked for a SNES, but all I know is I sold the damn thing after I found it in a closet years after anyone ever bought it. Nintendo is great at making very stupid peripherals, and sometimes I wonder if that is all they actually do! Gamers do not want a means to play a game that look hip and cool, they want practicality, and really the money spent on R and D, marketing, and selling this peripherals could be better spent in making peripherals like standard controllers, touch screens, and even handless controls better. Nintendo’s Wii U was a smarter move, and it allowed for backwards compatibility with the Wii’s nunchaku, so you didn’t just have to toss them away forever. Nintendo was smart to also incorporate their Wii U touch-screen controller into a second-screen experience, so you can literally use it like a second television, if someone else wants to use the T.V. to play a better gaming system like an Xbox or Sony system, so the grownups can play real games. (Just kidding) Then again…let’s look at these “grownup” systems, and their shellacked peripherals that suck a big one. (That’s an industry term). Xbox is the pinnacle of disgraceful peripherals, they have shoved their ridiculous Kinect down people’s throats so much, that they are now bundling it with the Xbox One, just to insure those who haven’t met this horrific style of gaming, are forced to have an ugly, obnoxious camera that can barely work with any of its ten games. Xbox’s Kinect is proof that making money schemes never backfire, because people like shiny, white or black technology whenever they come across it, and will shell out top-dollar just to make sure they were the first to buy some hyped piece of technology. As a gamer, I sometimes fit that, and many other unsettling descriptions, but I also know when I am being deliberately sold a piece of garbage that will only ruin my experience further. Microsoft is the biggest export of broken dreams, and the Kinect is just a sad, sad example of misplaced technology into a corporation’s greedy, sausage-fingered hands. The Kinect looks great on paper, a sound idea that could very-much revolutionize the gaming world in a heartbeat, but instead, turns out to be nothing more than some Ponzi scheme for making gamers fund Microsoft further, preventing their much-requested downfall. I hate how they marketed their peripheral, as if it was “bad-ass” or “awesome”, which shows that Microsoft is not a company that gives two shits about you as a gamer, but tends to fail yearly on every account when it comes to marketing a global piece of technology that people actually want to buy. They are so desperate to make the margins go up on sales of units for the Kinect, they are sinking low enough to sell it with the Xbox One. Sony would never, ever try to push misguided, mishandled technology onto their consumers in a ruse to move units! Would they? Sony, my openly bias video game company, how I have enjoyed your many, many first party titles over the years. You, truly know how appeal to gamers. Why! You would never sink so low as to market a trashy product/peripheral to the masses of adoring fans would you? So to prove I am not just some sell-out piece of shit talking head/ writing retard, I’m going to tell you about the “fun” peripherals Sony has in store for us in the upcoming years. First, I would like to start with Sony’s ability to make an ice cream cone into a controller. The Playstation Move is a prime example of why peripherals, no matter how technologically superior they may seem at the time are just a ridiculous way of not giving anything back to the gamer, who could easily enjoy the game with a regular controller. The only smart thing they had done was make many of their games available with or without Move compatibility. They did not force their fans to by a Move, and for that they show some integrity, not much; but some. The Playstation Move is not something I would gloat over in the R and D department of Sony, and I understand that with the trends being what they are, they will integrate a touch screen into their console as well, because it is trendy, and forces all other forms of entertainment to conform, but what I find unique to the integration of the handheld peripherals into the market is that none of them truly make you feel as if you are controlling the game! Sure they mimic movement, but none of them actually immerse the player in a way that seems as interesting as Sci-Fi modules for Virtual Reality. If anything, that stupid watch that Sony just released that acts as a communicator is more advanced than these ridiculous peripherals. Secondly, and perhaps leads better into the little tease up top in the last two paragraphs is the Playstation Vita. This handheld is the successor to the Playstation Portable, which was met with wishy-washy acclaim, but it was the only handheld out there that allowed you a clear-vision of playing your favorite games on the go. Basically it was a handheld Playstation 2, which made it the best handheld on the market, but that was before tablets and iPhones and even the iPad were ever introduced into the market, changing the strategy for gaming for the next decade, and possibly well beyond if the current trends stay true. As an adult gamer, one well above the age of eighteen, and even further above the age of twelve, I don’t see a reason why I would be interested in playing games on the go, because I am too preoccupied to do anything involving games when I am outside. I would much rather take in the scenery, go shopping, eat out, or most currently, work. I don’t have time to play games on the run, maybe kids do, but I certainly don’t have a reason to use one of these things. I’m sure many gamers will either agree, surely most will disagree, but I believe the Playstation Vita was just a very bad move for Sony. Microsoft was smart to not build a handheld console, but I can only see limited value from a handheld system. I really just don’t have a reason to use it, and although I am for competition in the market, technology is pretty much an open-and-closed case when it comes to the winners of the handheld markets. The Vita is now selling so piss-poorly, they are now destined to bundle the system with the Playstation 4, which is a great value for gamers, but I ask you gamers out there that would indeed by the Playstation 4: do you really want the handheld? Are you really going to use it so often that it is a legitimate buy? This ploy is mostly to bring down the resale value of the PSV, and not nearly for the convenience of the so-called “two-for-one” console deal. Although the Playstation Vita is a relatively powerful system, and does deserve credit in some ways for its very compelling mechanics in such a small handheld, it will suffer under the fact that it is just another piece of very expensive technology to carry around with you wherever you go. You know are forced to carry your phone and music, games, and this handheld, so why would you carry nearly a thousand dollars worth of technology on you, just so you can have a gaming experience that may rival, if not-equal the Playstation 3’s core game design? Personally, I think it is a ruse like every other damn peripheral, albeit a far better one than most to bundle up to just push units, when really they are losing money, and will legitimately hurt the company more when we go back to the core reason for buying these overpriced, (and let‘s be honest here), over-glorified systems. Now, I am not trying to counter my arguments about Sony, Nintendo, or Microsoft from past posts, but with Sony, I feel this move is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation we are always precariously thrown into when it comes the rudimentary understandings of videogame marketing. Even if they push thirty million units come Christmas in America, Sony will have only sold an extended thirty million PSVs, and still have lost money on them. The sad fact that I have to point out that most people can play online, and not necessarily want to play on anything other than maybe a long bus ride will find this product a gimmick, along with the ridiculous load times, and game sticks replacing UMDs. I hate this system, and I’m sure most will agree that the age of handhelds has belonged to smart phones, and probably will for a good long while. If not, then obviously the market trends are not showing the proper data, and the PSV is a gift from God that we have all ignored. Maybe in Sony’s Dreams Department. We learned today that peripherals suck, except for the awesome orange gun for the original Duck Hunt, and very few peripherals will ever replace the dexterity, comfort, and control of a videogame controller. Want an example? The remote control for your television, though it can be a Universal remote now-a-days, has barely changed from its inception, nearly sixty years ago! So stop giving us peripherals we don’t want, and we’ll stop complaining about horrible RPGs that people buy because they look pretty. Also, please stop making Final Fantasy games, I’ve been playing this “last game” by square soft since the 90s! I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand Final Fantasy, and I blame you, all of you, for its continuing success. Especially you! Thank you for reading the Malacast Editorial