Lately, I've been thinking slot about my future, I've been questioning my purpos, and what I've wanted to do with my life. I'm thirty years old, and thinking now,mseriously thinking sbout going back to college. Why? I don't even know. I've only earned an associates' degree ever had a bachelor's and for years, and admittedly now think an education is an overrated proxy of work that stipends more from the collegiate experience, and is about making money, and force-feeding generic education. I'm. It necessarily against the progression of blue collar jobs,mthey are without a doubt a bonfire shoe-in for a legitimate career, while many Master degree recipients are still scrounging about for the next temp job.
I've spoken on education for years, and I've been out of work for what will be ten years, I might as well state I'm retired at this point, because I've not worked a solid day in what feels like a lifetime ago. I now wonder if an education is my best-bet, and it makes me question my purpose for existing: why would I go back and do what I've failed at many times before? I've been down this road, and quite frankly, I've hated every rocky bump. I'm also older now, and would need to essentially start from scratch. I'm also pissed at myself enough now to wish I've done what so many others have succeed at, becaue I should've been doing them before everyone! E.g., playing video games professionally, writing stellar blogs that pool in millions in ad revenue, etc. podcasting when it was big to get money from doing so.
Regardless of the maybe, and the wah-wah- it should've been me complaints, I now stand on the dawn of a new canter in my life. I could change my entire future in the next w years if I want...but can I? I believe Joesph Heller would be nipping at my knees with joy to see the Cstch-22 I've allowed myself in: if I don't go back to school, I'll likely never get the career I know I am not just intelligent enough, original enough, and quite frankly good enough to deserve, but on the flip side, I'd be stuck getting a degree that may as well be something to wipe my ass with after the 2-4 years it would be required of me to get a Bschelor's degree. Yes, this seems a narcissistic post, that it's all about me, but trust me, I know a lot of you readers are in the same position. We are overeducated fools, maiming ourselves mentally over how frustrated we've become, because wuite frankly there isn't enough space forus all, and soon fighting for scraps will be for both the paupers and the elites.
Still, I'm stuck at a crossroads where so many have invisibly joined my side, becaue we are all in this personal purgatory, and none of us will get out unscathed. The paths both suck, and there is no day way any more, even for the more flamboyant, daliant passage towards that fabled land of milk and honey. So I'm frustrated with my choices, and I've learned that perhaps, just perhaps there will be another option in my way, one where I can succeed, but that isn't the case made here tonight. I'm a post soul, winding downs silken street where degrading things take place, and my mouth is learning to pucker up real good. I can either be great, or turn out to be the next Ameica's Most Wanted. A great genius, or a lunatic on the fringe...it's my choice, and the edges of this world see growing dire.
I've spoken out about education in the past, but I also stated most people should at least hsve tried it, gone through the process, so they can be redeemed for their choices. I'm slowly thinking I've more thwt needs to be done in this world. I'm slowly learning that creativity isn't going to complete the obstacles I need to overcome. Some days I want to die, some days I want to slit a wrist, open a vein and pour out into whatever hell may await me..but I manage to hold onto my sanity, a strong-willed person that should've been dead at birth with the complications I've overcome...but trying to make it in this world has been too much for me to tsckle...yet, I must try, but how? Why? And to what end?
Maybe, I'll just float through life, but for now, I'll silently pull out my hair, already thinning, and receding...just kidding, it's still thicker than it should be...guess I can count myself lucky in that department. Fuck my life, because it's sure been good at fucking me.
No comments:
Post a Comment