A Memory of Culture, and My Descent Into Poverty

I really have to get out and get some more books soon...I swear my library is dwindling to nothing. I normally download free books to the Amazon Kindle, and buy books still in brick and mortar stores. However, in starting to find nonfiction a tad more intriguing. Don't worry, this post isn't about writing, or reading, I figured I'd give you a break from all of that, and focus on something else for a while. If you follow me on Pinterest, (malacast, all lowercase to find me) you'll notice I'm very much on a nostalgia kick lately. I really love to revert back to my childhood playthings, and laugh at how much money I would've made if I had a stringent childhood, and never removed the toys from the packages. I've also discovered a few things I forgot, like toys I never had, but always wanted. After a while, you tend to remember the toys weren't important, but the stories you've played out with them were. I never really thought about this, until it occurred to me that everything I had, I owed to my wonderful mother who raised me early on by herself, because my father up and left her. I know, tragic tale, but not really, seeing as that tends to be the norm. In-truth, I never saw it as a disadvantage, my family was always close by, and I was dearly loved. See, my life has been a topsy-turvy, wibbly wobbly time, and I wouldn't trade a memory for the world. This life has been good to me, mostly, and if it is all downhill from here, I truly can't complain about the ride. This leads me back to the nostalgia of the toys I had, the shows I watched, and the microcosm of association with brands of shaped plastic that make up the earliest stages of my life. Nothing more appropriate than the toys I loved, the people who guided me, and the great decisions and wretched mistakes made along the way. So, is this post about toys, really? Not at all! I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. I'm an enigma, lost in shadows of time and a brain at times too big for its own cerebral cortex. I try to imagine my life as it should've been, and what it's become over the years, some hopeless romance of serenading moonlight strolls with myself across rich plains of reality; my feet barely bothering the silent earth below. I'm an odd one, out of my elements, and always looking for the next opportunistic time to strike. That sounds vaguely harsh, but I assure you: it's not. I'm not one to cut throats to advance. I'm more one to pass up an opportunity because the other person seems to want it more. Unless I truly give a damn about the ascertainable prize. I've rarely in my life made a sound decision that enticed others to see me as some Captain of Industry, a leader among my peers. I've always been one to make sure all ideas are included, no matter their absurdity. I do this because ideas are quick quips that require time to process. I've always been imaginative. The worlds I would create were not always the most intriguing, but seemed to accurately portray a sphere of existence that far exceeded the reality I took to be my life. Not to spin a yarn about my childhood, but I didn't have that many friends, and if I may be so bold to say, I preferred it that way. My solitude allowed me time to think in a rather noisy world, and although I came off slow, or incoherent to people, I was more apt to find myself with my head in the clouds. I was figuratively removed from reality, trapped in books, toys, video games, the works. Don't let my generation fool you, we were very much introverts at a young age, now it's hard to ever shut us up, because we have learned so much (our generation, that is) we tend to forget most people don't want to hear our intelligent rambling, no matter how long we've been bottled up in our rooms, with a nose in a book, and music on the radio blaring to stifle the outside world. Most people are expected to succeed nowadays, but the sad fact is the current generation is more apt to fail than the previous generations. Innovation is stifled to a massive extent, but thereality is that Americans are still as innovative, just to a minuscule amount. I once thought it was my turn to make the best of my family name, that I would be the most successful of us, and that is definitely not the case. I don't want to carry on about my poor pitiful life, I do that way too much. However, I will say that everything I am today is because I'm trapped, seized by this unwavering cycle of boyhood to manhood, not able to leave home, but too unequipped to succeed. I'm a failure, and I don't mean in that boohoo I've sucked hard at life, kill-me-now, depressive failure; think of it more as a fact than an irreversible situation. I've always struggled with education, in that the systems in place never did bode well by me. I'm a loser, in-that I have literally lost the game of life, and I'm floating around, with this ability to suck in information, but not to turn it into a viable resource to give my life any meaning. I'm highly intelligent, but far from a leg image asset for the workforce. I have skills, but they can't be implemented, because the jobs I could work do not exist where I live. Excuses, I know, if you listen to most people in the 18-30 demographic, you'd swear they'd invented the concept. I'm saying though: what's my worth? Am I valuable? Truly, I don't mean in the sense of am I worthwhile, but because I am now competing on a global scale of nearly 8 billion people, do I subsequently matter, when there are so many carbon copied majors like myself? I'm not saying I deserve a shot over say, you, the reader. I'm sure you're greater in many ways I am lesser, and I'm sure your work ethic, and moral code is much stronger than mine. So may e you deserve a break, maybe you deserve success, and I do wish you the best of luck. You see, I know deep down the sad fact is that I Mathis crazy world, there will be PHDs living on the street, and high school drop outs living in billion-dollar mansions. This to me is a disgrace, and the idea that intelligence isn't always the measure of success is proof alone that life isn't fair, and we will all fail to finish the daily race at least once in our lives. I know that I sound like a Debbie Downer, and I'm not trying to do that, I'm also not saying I should be five opportunities I didn't earn. The world doesn't owe me Jack Shit, and I take failure with grain if salt, because failure is inevitable, but it should be best avoided as often as possible. I'm a walking failure, and I'm slowly learning the lessons of that said failure. When you're me, the hypothetical Sword of Damocles is indeed always but a light breeze away from plummeting onto my frame, piercing me with homelessness, disease, and ridicule from my peers. We are usually one paycheck away from being thrown into the wild with the rabid dogs, and mangy cats, to fight over fast-food scraps. It can happen to anyone, and more often than not, it does happen to those who never expected the outcome. So I am a loser, and I don't say that with ignorant pride or resonant adoration for my aimless life. I say it with a roaring disappointment that I haven't been better. I've had positive figures in my life, I've always had people who pushed me to excel, so I have no legitimate excuses. Instead, I'm accepting of the fact that I've bed. The driving force behind my failure, a d that I'm nearly half-way through my expected life, and I'm still living at home. I didn't graduate college with a Bachelor's, I didn't measure up well against my fellow classmates, most of which are probably in the same boat as I am. Yet I don't want government help, I don't want welfare, I don't want to take from those who work so hard, so they can become surrogate parents to me all because I wasn't good enough. My quality of life is as horrible as the poor bastard who went through all the right channels: college, good job, home ownership, marriage,etc. and now he's as bad off as I am. I wouldn't want him to take care of me, because if working and not working give you the same benefits, why should anyone succeed? I may be a loser, but I refuse to ever be a leech. I refute taking assistance, because it always becomes a lifelong substitution. So I may never have my dream job, even if I am capable of performing said job, because the powers that be do not like the idea of hiring outside the campus. Yet, I know that even in my loser life; I have worth! I may never succeed past being a janitor, but I am not worthless because of it. I'm happy, despite my circumstances, which I cannot currently change, but I know my life has led me here, to write this blog post, so other losers like myself can know: there's strength in perseverance, and we know that we don't cry over spilt milk, we find a way to make it work better than before. I'm a loser, but I'm not a lost soul pining away because I've I had it rough. I may wind up on the street, in-fact, I'd say in the next few months its highly plausible. Perhaps it'll be a learning experience for me, perhaps it'll be tough love, but if and when that day occurs, I'll meet it like every other life and death challenge I've encountered: with courage, and to the best of my ability. No matter what, always be vigilant, and never let the world change you, even if your psyche is about to break, and your life is slowly permeating to shit. Always be strong, even when adversity is pummeling you into the mires of self-loathing. Be strong, and always shine brightest amidst the dirt and muck. Good luck, and be tough. Thank you for supporting the Malacast Editorial. Twitter: twitter.com/mcasteditorial E-mail- mcasteditorial@yahoo.com More posts will be up soon, I try to do several every Monday. I'll be sending out some video game related posts in the upcoming weeks. I have a good one about Silent Hill 2, which was meant to go up last month but the post saved blank, I'll make sure it's up before June, it is a worthwhile read, I assure you. I also have other posts that coming soon, specifically book reviews, and I'll be previewing my first book, so don't miss that. July is a big month for the blog, as I'll be posting nearly every week with new posts. Thank you again for the support, as I reiterate here: stay strong, as I will too, because even when you hit rock bottom, you learn it's time to then begin the process of pulling yourself back up. I wish you all the best, a d thank you for being the most awesome audience a blogger could have.