Satanism With a Side of Kimchi Part 1

Satanism with a Side of Kimchi: A Memoir of My Life, Satanism, and Asian Side Salads Malacast Agent Acknowledgements This short book could never have been possible without a vast knowledge of the Satanic Bible. For years, I’ve been a proponent of the Church of Satan, although I am not necessarily affiliated with the church itself, I respect and admire the individuals who have kept the work of Dr. Anton Szandor LaVey alive. I know by publishing this book, I am taking a great risk of onslaught from both sides of the table, but I want everyone to know that I am not writing this book to start an argument, but to tell a little about myself, and have a little fun with a short discussion on Satanism. I would like to thank my family for being so supportive, but due to the subject of this book, I will leave them anonymous. They have always been supportive of my writing, which is not necessarily reflected here, but they know that I admire them all, and thank them for their help. I could not have finished this book in such a timely fashion if it wasn’t for persevering through the long nights, and early mornings of just typing away. I have written so many full-length novels in the past, that it was difficult to not make this a two-hundred thousand word novel. Which, by-the-way, I’m sure many of you are thankful for, as I’m probably losing half of you already. Finally, I would also like to thank you, the reader. I know it’s a bit early on to thank you, because you could be the one reader who becomes my biggest critic. I respect those who will disagree with me, maybe even hate this book with a passion. I’m also sorry you feel this way, but I can respect your opinion. Despite what you may think of my writing, this book, or me I want you to know that you are the backbone that keeps independent authors writing, and striving to become better, tighter writers. It truly does take a village to raise a great writer, and your support, criticism, even your absolute disposition is critical to the survival of this publishing style. Thank you to everyone involved in this book, which I hope you enjoy. It is a short read, but a fun one, with a unique perspective, and although I call myself a Satanist, my views do not necessarily reflects those of the Church of Satan. To everyone who has supported this book since its origins, thank you again, and I respectively say to you; Hail Satan. Copyright 2014 by Malacast Agent and Paul Quince Introduction I learned about LaVeyan Satanism at the tender age of thirteen. I happened across the paperback version of the Satanic Bible when I was out one day at the local mall in Oneonta, New York. I was in the New Age section of a Waldenbooks, which shows you just how long ago this was, and I happened upon it by chance, searching through all the curmudgeon books on modern Wicca and all those other super feminist text (I was something of a feminist back then. I grew up in an area mixed quite equally of conservatives and Methodists that paid no mind to their neighbors represent liberals, both sides. So there was not really much need for rattling cages, nobody gave a shit, just fifty minutes from my house was Woodstock New York full of white light pagan hippies that keep their economy going with bongs and hackey-sack balls.) I picked up the book and with thoughtful inclination, turned it around to see the photograph of Anton Szandor LaVey staring at me with those piercing, welcoming eyes, in front of the Sigil of Baphomet. The symbol was the same one found on the front cover, and it drawn me into that black cover and red, vibrant words. I did not know what the symbol was until after I actually read the book, I just saw it as an inverted pentagram, which at first glance is precisely what it was, but it was so much more. I understood what the pentagram was, because I had family members that happened to be pagan, some of which tirelessly tried to bring me into their covenant. Others were Catholic, and being raised Catholic, I tended to avoid both sides, becoming an Atheist rather early on. I did not even skim the book, I just took it, because it had this power over me, something I could not possibly believe was real, but I took it home and read it thrice over. I went from being an ignorant child that thought this was a religion based on murder, devil-worship, and human sacrifice. As I read, I discovered it was an intelligent philosophy that spawned in response to the hippie movement of the sixties Satanism was about spiting in the faces of those who are arrogantly beguiled by romantic magic that stems away from reality, and staying true to yourself, not allowing your enemies to get the better of you. Dr. LaVey speaks affluently about not turning the other cheek to your enemies, but striking back harder, so they will never dare raise a finger to you again. Life is short, and one should indulge I life, face the consequences (which most people accept through their behavior) and not blame sin for their actions. Humanity is bound in excess, and we enjoy our sex, our food, our violence, and our pass-times in excess, so don’t be ashamed to enjoy yourself, and if you aren’t ready to accept the consequences of the actions, then you will be doomed to a life of regrets. Never regret your actions! That is one of the basic principles of LaVeyian Satanism. So after I went back home to my countryside home, I discovered Satanism, but I wasn’t yet sold, being a strict Atheist. I never wanted anything else to fill a void that clearly nonexistent. : I did not care about a Christian God; I already had implemented myself into several other religions (several more would follow during my college years) such as Taoism. I later turned to Islam, but after 9/11, and living in an area that was predominantly Christian, I was the odd-man out. Therefore, I went back to Atheism. I tried to believe in a God, mostly for myself, because I thought it would bring me security, I was young, and confused, now I’m just old and confused, but I respected every religion I learned about. I loved the philosophies behind religions, even Islam itself had such a strong statement: to destroy false idols, to erect a strong state, and to respect one’s history, even if that meant destroying the present. The arrogance of religions comes into play when they start fighting over which God is the greater God. I didn’t avoid Satanism necessarily, when I turned eighteen, Satanism did influence my political party, as I decided to become an independent, and later on a full-fledged Libertarian. I stayed an atheist all-throughout my high school career, giving up on religion once again, not realizing the answers were sitting right on my bookshelf. Atheism seemed easy, you see, it was easy to negate everything, rather ignorantly, because in a way it allowed you to not have to do any of the research, but negate everything as false: all religions are false, all Gods, big and small, were false, and all sects of religion were false. After I moved to a more socialized area, I tried out Islam again, and I stayed true, even performing Shahada (Islamic profession declaring oneself a Muslim) until I saw that it just was not for me, especially the growing liberalism of the Imams in my area, which you would think was ironic, seeing as Islam is such a conservative religion. This is not necessarily the case, as a majority tends to lead towards liberal socialism, which did not bode well in my eyes. Religion to me became a game of hop-frog, as I jumped from faith to faith. From Daishonian Buddhism, this was more philosophy with some Shinto/Buddhist cult rites, and even Baha’i Faith, which was more an amalgamation of all religions swathed together in an easy-accessible way, and seemed quite rational. It best compares to Babism. Again, the religions were great when it came to philosophy, but when it came to complete submission to a force you could not see, it seemed irrational, and the idea of starting wars and killing someone who has a slightly different belief than yours, was asinine. I’ve been across every continent of the Earth (metaphorically speaking) looking for a religion, but I knew it wasn’t faith or belief I was searching for, it was the never-ending search to fill the voids in my life with nonsensical hopes and happiness that just wasn’t going to come from a source. If I wanted to be happier, if I wanted to change my future, I had to do it myself. I finally discovered that I was always a skeptic deep-down, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have to finally commit to a doctrine or philosophy, and so I went back to the one philosophy that had influenced me the most: I decided that I would become a LaVeyian Satanist. For over fourteen years, I have struggled with faith, mostly because I was always under the impression that I needed one. I am a hodgepodge of ideas, and I couldn’t yet find the one banner to stand under in order to march forward in my life. I wanted something to believe in, partly because I was weak-willed, and I had many early struggles. When I realized that this was an unfulfilling struggle to fit in, I realized I didn’t have to fit anyone’s niche. I didn’t have to believe what the rest of the world believed, in-fact I didn’t even have to follow those whom I agreed. I just had to be the multi-faceted individual I was, and that was the typical non-conforming, albeit rational person who respected everyone, but admired very few. I was happy to know that the rest of the world didn’t have to conform to my standards, and I sure as Hell didn’t have to fit theirs. I was free, and for the first time in years, I was a gracious person that did not go out of their way to stir controversy, but would defend my position with a sense of pride if I were called out on my beliefs. I didn’t stand with the right or left, but I stood on the side of Me. I was happy that I could be Me, and if others enjoyed like me for this position, then bully for them, if they didn’t they would be respectfully heard, but ignored. I learned to be strong, even at my weakest moments, because in the end, we are all in this alone: granted, we have friends, family, and associates who will fight the tide alongside us, but they do so at their benefit as much as ours. The individual has their own experiences, which are difficult, sometimes heart wrenching, but no matter the consequences, no matter the tragedies, we survive, because we have to...we have not made it as the dominant species by lying down, even when it feels like our worlds are crumbling away. We stand strong, and bulk-up, not allowing the worst seem so dismal. This short book is the story of my life as a Satanist, and how I became one through trial and error. This book is also about my growing love of the Korean side dish, I’ve broken the book up into three chapters: Satanism, its misconceptions, and core philosophy. The second chapter is about Kimchi and its influence on my becoming a Satanist, and the last chapter will be my pining about the future of Satanism in the Digital Age, I will be including my article: “The Digital Libertine, or For the Love of the American Republic in the Age of Satan.“ I hope you will enjoy it, and find it informative. Also included in this chapter are two more articles on Satanism: The first is a discussion of the seven deadly sins in relation to the digital media. The final article “The Positives of Satanism in the 21st Century” looks at the positives aspects of being a Satanist in the 21st Century, or more particularly, when one is young. In this article, I look at Satanism as more about bettering one’s self. Like meditation, there are ways to calm one’s self by looking at the psychology behind Satanism, and how it keeps one level. Chapter 1: Satanism: Misconceptions and Philosophy When I was younger, I would go up to the back of my property, and look out over the waters of our manmade pond. Granted, I still go up to my pond on occasion, and fish for a couple of mud cats every now and then, but when I was younger, it felt rewarding, lost in thought. I would expand my mind by staring out into that muddied water, watching the occasional frog flop onto the grassy shore, created by a front-loader and about a hundred thousand gallons of water. Like every early spring day, I could feel the mud on my shoes; I sunk into the Earth like a warming embrace, holding me down from floating adrift towards the cosmos. I would sit there, a pen propped in my hand, and a notebook on my lap. I wasn’t looking for inspiration, but rather a sense of calm, something like the Buddha, who sat under a banyan tree, and found enlightenment, I wanted this man-made hole in the ground to be my eureka moment. Apparently, I have wasted more time sitting there than I ever had at writing a single line onto the page. Before social media, all my writing was kept locked up in diary-like notebooks, but not with the little heart-shaped lockets, instead I would keep them under desks, or underneath my mattress, as if all the secrets of the universe were at stake if anyone dared to open up my illegible script and find all my deepest darkest secrets. My how times have changed: even in such a short amount of time, we went from hiding our deepest thoughts, to posting them about as if meant for every peering eye on the planet. I started typing late in life, around fifth grade, and I grew to get much better at it as I went through high school. I always preferred a pen and paper, and today, I don’t think I could even write twenty pages without suffering from carpal tunnel. Therefore, everything I write now is on word processors and internet blog sites. I laugh, because I couldn’t imagine myself dragging a smart phone, let-alone a laptop up to my old pond, and sitting, waiting for inspiration, while I have a fishing pole dug in the ground. I was a loner, and I always loved to avoid people, despite how social I have become as an adult, I really disliked my peers as a child. I despised conversation with others, because I felt I was too far removed from them, perhaps a bit ignorant of how they would perceive me. Overall, they were all decent people, and I would not wish any harm on them, but I tended to have an indifferent view of my peers. Therefore, I sat at my pond, every day after school, occasionally hailing a car that would go up the dirt road for a weekend break to the woods, or the occurring hunters that would trek by in search of a buck or small game. I always loved nature, and nature was always a ruthless force that I both admired and respected. I knew it could kill you without hesitance, or it could make you feel comfort in a cooling breeze, rather than a dismantling hurricane. I would take my folding chair, a book or two, and sit there, if I wasn’t in the mood to write frivolous poetry, or short science fiction stories about harrowing futures, or macabre freakish love sequences that were far too disturbing for the public eye. I was a weird kid, and that is probably why I am such an eccentric adult. Yet, I found life, love, and all the things the typical red-blooded American boy discovers in lost summers, and early falls. I moved to the country from the city when I was around twelve years old. (If I tend to be vague in this section, it is merely to respect those involved, and a little anonymity never hurt anyone.) I went from going to a Catholic school, which was my only schooling outside of a children’s workshop, to a full-on public school. I remember the reality hit that this was a completely different experience when the day after Halloween there was school. Normally, I would have All Saints’ Day off, because it was a very holy day in the Catholic religion. To most, this would seem typical, but because I was a Catholic, I was quite concerned that this was going against God’s word. It was a culture shock, again, I was still quite young, but I grew to accept it, the same way I was rapidly leaving behind the Catholic religion. This was done entirely on my own, as my faith in God was diminishing well before I even left Catholic school. By thirteen, I was a full-fledged atheist, sick of all the hypocrisy of the church (this was around the time many Catholic priests were just starting to come forward and confessing to having sexual relations with alter boys and other children within the church. I knew it wasn’t every priest in the religion. My priest from when I lived in the city was one of the nicest people one could ever meet, and it sickened me that these assholes were giving good priests a bad name. Besides, pedophile were everywhere, and came from all backgrounds, religious or not, so I felt it was unfair to single out Catholics. Another cause for my lack of faith came from the growing animosity towards religion, which was understandable; the huge splits in politics were just starting to show their cracks. The animosity between parties was becoming so strong; you were now pitted against Republican or Democrat as early as thirteen, as if you had to define yourself years before you could even vote. It made a huge difference, despite school size, and region. I didn’t fall into these traps so easily, but my faith was shifted more so because I was beginning to learn about religions for first time. I never knew about Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Islam, or even much of Judaism, outside of what the Catholic Church taught about it, which wasn’t much. I started to grow apart from religion, and I started to look more towards Eastern philosophy at first, prior to Atheism, and loved to sit back at that majestic pond, and ruminate about my life. I would meditate, searching deep down for what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be, do I take labels? Do I define myself as someone who followed the rest of my peers, or did I stand alone against the waves of those who always thought they were right? I was very conservative, you pretty much had to be growing up Catholic from an immigrant Italian family in New York City, but I learned to justify it with liberalism being so campy it couldn’t possibly be right. Politics were forced on me, rather than I turning towards them, this happened with the Bush Administration. Today, if you ever supported Bush in your entire life, you are a fool, a useless old man that is happily going to die in the next couple of years, so the Democrats can (supposedly) have enough of the votes never to have opposition. Political parties are nothing but corporations that force you to buy their product. I didn’t care much about George W. Bush, at first, he seemed like a lame-duck president, and apparently, that was the more Jeffersonian aspect of the office. Jefferson was my favorite president, outside of my lifetime obviously, so I tended to just stay out of politics, going into a relatively split school, I find it would’ve been easier if the majority was liberal or conservative. Politics seems rear its ugly head and I hate politicians, about as much as I hate parties. I love policies when people pay attention to them, and this imbedded me with looking for another way, a better way. Before this so-called Independent movement happened, I was already ahead of the curve, and I knew then I was always going to be different, walking to the beat of my own drum. I am a bibliophile, always searching for the next tome to satisfy my ever-growing hunger This was before Amazon was the popular source for ordering books, and well before tablets and e-readers existed, so I would go to the bookstore, and buy (or have my mother buy) tons of books for me to read over summer vacations. Granted, I played video games, went to movies, rode my bike, and such like every other kid, but I enjoyed books. I discovered the Satanic Bible during the spring of two-thousand one, just after turning fourteen the August before, and I took it to my favorite spot out by the pond, where I read it repeatedly, until it became so dark, I could not see the pages. I fell in love with the book by Anton LaVey, who himself looked so demonic, but after reading it through, I found him utterly charming. I was a fan of the Marilyn Manson Goth movement for quite some time, but I never dressed like a Goth. I liked Nine Inch Nails, Cannibal Corpse, and Napalm Death. I loved the metal and Goth music, mostly because no one else loved it at the time. I do admit that I bought into some of the commercial music at the time as well, but mostly because my friends were listening to it, and it grew on you, even if you hated it with a passion. Satanism seemed it would be the perfect fit into my life at the time, but I turned away at first, seeing as I didn’t really believe myself mature enough yet to truly understand it thoroughly, even if I could comprehend well beyond my years. I was always (intellectually) ahead of my peers, even if I acted a fool to fit in, I always felt my generation was full of imbeciles. Sure, that is arrogant, and I didn’t want to be an arrogant prick before representing such a faultless religion as Satanism. Therefore, I put it off for several years longer, but I always went back and read it, hoping it would fill me with that inspiration to grow up fast enough to be accommodating to the religion. Satanism is a neo-pagan belief system that stems from many sources of ancient Sumerian and Egyptian pagan rituals. The present rituals that influence the conjuration greater magic of the more common satanic rituals stem from ancient Rome, and Romania. The philosophic aspect of Satanism is a mixture of liberal policies with libertarian and libertine philosophies, with a strong background in the occult. Satanism is about becoming your own god, or devil, making the individual the most important key figure in the religion. Satanism borrows from past pagan rituals, particularly before the Christian overthrowing of ancient cultures that all had a sense of identity, and makes it relevant to the modern world. Satanism is a very loose religion that has very strict adherence to ritual, despite how very personal such rituals become, depending on the given outcome of the said ritual. The modern-day church has not changed much from its incarnation, as every individual who comes to lead the church does so at his or her own accord, one can call oneself a Satanist, and not even associate with the running of the day-to-day aspects of the church. One can become a Satanist without even joining the church of Satan, which charges a nominal fee to joining (currently two hundred USD) most other churches that expect a ten percent tithe from their congregation. Satanism is defined by the individual because the individual decides how much input they choose to have in the church, or in the religion. They can choose to follow Satanism right down to the exact science, or they can rummage around and choose whichever way they want to worship in the religion. Although they are encouraged to follow the same steps followed in the beginning of each ritual, the type of music, symbols, props, etc. they choose to use are entirely up to them, and not limited by what is suggested in the Satanic Bible. Many Satanists who are purists will argue that everything is done the exact same way as Dr. Anton LaVey, but in reference to the Black Mass, the most sacred of all satanic rituals, it might be more satisfying to follow the book precisely in the Satanic Bible. I am not an expert (Magister or Reverend) of the Church of Satan, so I cannot explain to you everything within the workings of the church. I can however, warn you of detractors that are not representative of the church: The Temple of Seth, and The Temple of Satan, which are sometimes taken to be tied into the LaVeyian form of Satanism, do not represent in any way the Church of Satan. I only recently found out about these two branches, which have a greater connection with Aliester Crowley’s worship of ancient Egyptian Gods, (Hedonism) and have little to do with Satanism. To understand just what Satanism fundamentally is, you merely just have to study up, which sounds tasking, yet you would need to read key texts of any religion to understand its context. I personally suggest picking up the Satanic Bible, and the companion volume The Satanic Ritual, both written by Dr. LaVey. Prior to learning about Satanism, I knew very little of the occult, which meant I was barely scratching the surface of understanding the ideas behind the main ideas in the Satanic Bible, but I also had a fresh perspective on Satanism. The Satanic Bible was the beginning of my understanding of the religion, but I found out a lot through searching the depths of the internet, and especially video-sharing sites that showed old interviews and Black Masses with Anton LaVey at the helm, which became an image time stamped on my brain. Instead of coming to Satanism through the common vessel of the church, or from the works of Anton Szandor LaVey, Blanche Barton, or Peter H. Gilmore, (The current head of the Church of Satan.) Many now use forums, online groups, and even micro-blogging to learn about LaVeyian Satanism. I was able to have a purely investigative look into how the church runs, but more importantly, what LaVey believed in, and I found it to be as if I were rediscovering myself for the first time, like how one goes through the turmoil of puberty. I had a reflection of myself held up to my eyes, and like a will-o‘-the-wisp; I was haunted by what I was seeing: a pathless wanderer that needed a place to rest my brittle bones. I found that rest in the philosophy of Satanism. I consider myself a Satanist that denied his place in the world for years, mostly from public scrutiny, but I realized that if I needed to, I could defend myself against any opposition, and really, it was my business alone. Aside from close friends, and the occasional quip to the online world, I have never admitted to being a Satanist publicly, until now. Sitting in my cubical of deciduous forestry, amongst croaking frogs, and the occasional baby toad that grumbled past me; a floating rock on the green grass. Surrounded in the one place that mattered to me most; I paid homage to myself, to H.P. Lovecraft, and Anton LaVey, declaring myself a Satanist. Though I’ve been running away from my fate for thirteen years since that day, I knew deep down I was always a Satanist. Despite all the questioning, the misconceptions, and the backlash from friends, I accepted to follow the Left-hand path, officially on Halloween of 2012, and I’ve been following that path ever since. I’m still learning, even after all these years, but wisdom takes years of learning and practice to ascertain, and so here I shall give the misconceptions of the Church of Satan that adamantly come up so often in context, that I feel should be set straight here. Granted, many other Satanist have covered these issues before, but I hope to shed some light on what many people who view Satanism objectively tend to misinterpret. Firstly, Satan is the natural entity, a power source that flows throughout all life, and gives off a beguiling mysticism that lend in the use of Greater and Lesser Magic. Satan was originally the name of a Roman God of light, and then he was smelted into the goat-man God Pan of the Greeks. There are many names that Satan can go by, all of which that have been redacted to mean evil, or terrible by many white light religions. Secondly, Satanism does not worship the devil...or does it? That seems to be a major issue for those try hard to understand Satanism While I can attest that the Church of Satan does not necessarily recognize one particular God, rather that the individual is a God (albeit, “in control“) of their own path, and can choose to be their own God or their own Devil. Every individual interprets the Satanic Bible as more an atheistic philosophy, but it is indeed a religion with ancient practices that are, granted, picked and chosen by Anton LaVey in the earlier texts, but more rituals and greater/lesser magic is explained via later texts. In some cases, one can see the blatant satire in some of the suggestions. Thirdly, there are no human sacrifices, which I know of that are attributed to the Church of Satan. I’m sure someone down the line may have been an active member of the church, and killed someone, I am sure I’m equally sure that someone in the Catholic and Protestant church, Sunni, Shi’a, and Sufi mosques, and Jewish temples have had a member somewhere down the line kill someone. They probably killed more frequently than any number of LaVeyan Satanists. In-truth, the Church of Satan doesn’t condone killing people, as it should, but I dare to find you one religion that has not had at least one member kill a fellow human being. It’s impossible! The point I’m trying to make is that the majority of LaVeyian Satanists are not actively looking to steal away virgins in the night….well, at least not looking to steal away virgins in the night for human sacrifice, or actively looking to kill your children. The church doesn’t want to convert you; it does not seek you out! You come to Satanism, not the opposite. This makes the religion far evolved beyond conventional standards. There isn’t a door-to-door Satanist that is not handing out pamphlets, nor are entire satellite-linked television stations dedicated to spit out the word of Satan for a mere forty payments of $19.99. No! Satanism is one of very few religions that do not actively look for new members. The information is out there, readily available to those who want to learn about it, but no one is looking to steal you away and brainwash you, and so your children are safe from the Satanist. Although you might want to watch out for those pesky Mormons and their beloved Tabernacle, that may be an indoctrinating force right there; just ask Glen Beck. Another misconception is that Satanists want to control the world. This goes along with the above paragraphs, but the last thing Satanists want is to rule over this world. White lighters have gone out of their way in destroying, dismantling in their so-called “Environmental Awareness” this world. No! We will leave the corporate figureheads and the hippies to attack each other with drum circles and oil slicks over this mud ball we lovingly call home. We do not want to take control over any country, nor do we care about your political chagrin. It may seem like I’m speaking for the Church of Satan, and its members, I don’t intend to sound as if I’m the say-all be-all for the Church. Clearly, I am not speaking about you, or my other fellow Satanist out there. Yet, as a Satanist who affiliates himself minimally with the Church of Satan, I do not always speak for every active member, if I cannot make that any clearer; I apologize. Without being a blowhard, I just want to say that the last thing a Satanist wants is to deal with you, they barely want to deal with one-another. The Satanist wants his/her solitude. Is not that the dream we all want, to be left alone? One final misconception of the Satanist is that he is just some punk kid that doesn’t want to listen to popular music, or wear popular clothes, or do anything that your kid does, well this is far from the truth. I am sure most Satanists would not find such bands as say One Direction contemporary listening for their taste, that doesn’t mean they dislike conventional music. Not all Satanists are Goths, wearing all black, and listening to Slayer, or whatever famous heavy metal/death metal is popular at the time. Each person is individual: some may love hard music like Origin, others may like Lady Gaga, who cares? Music is about taste, and like any other group of people, some Satanists have taste, others…well, I don’t like to judge. The one thing liberals have done so well that I can actually agree with (mostly because it benefits me) is that they allowed most youth to respect and except people for almost any subculture that would’ve been seen as a flaw twenty years ago. Most people could not care less if you are gay, black, Hispanic, Jewish, White, Italian, Irish, Polish, etc. because most people are too busy texting to notice these similar differences. When I was fourteen, I discovered Satanism, but I also discovered that I loved to write. I always read books, and written little blurbs before my teen-aged years. I loved poetry ever since I discovered it in the second grade. I used to write lyrical poems, free verse, and even after discovering haiku, I knew that I loved the form of words. How words roll off the tongue, each-and-every syllable a song in of itself, and I grew to admire simplicity. Before the reoccurrence of the artsy hipster movement that came in with new wave music in the eighties, and the recurring movement to just be passed by with this new hipster movement that swept everything east of Brooklyn, I was lucky to have missed both. Yet subcultures were not my style, I never grabbed hold of the reigns of the follower, supporting a movement. I rarely joined clubs; I was rather weird in that way, though I did wind up putting a lot of time in at the Chess club, mostly because I enjoyed chess. I was not necessarily a loner, I had people skills, and I implemented them well enough to get through the day. I went to a unique school, after moving from the city and my Catholic school origins. The public school I began going to was Kindergarten to 12th grade. Towards the end of my career, they implemented a pre-school program, which meant that if you were never going to move, you could systematically stay in the same school, with the same group of peers, until you went off into the big world of college. I assure you, I never came out to anyone, except a select few, that I was Satanist, or said that I was bisexual, because it was easier to follow the course until graduation, than to come out and admit I was so different from the herd. I saw how the students of the school treated those who were different, and some were excited about something outside their mundane lives, but others were very strict to the code of the sheep, and disliked anything other than the norm. Even in this overtly liberal culture, there are nice big chunks of the country that rather avoid differences, than even join the workforce for fear that a homosexual might be present. I guess no matter the generation, high school is a terrible experience for the majority, and for those who claim those were the best years of their lives: are lying. Satanism should be kept to one’s self; it isn’t about shouting from atop the mountains in a crisp, clear voice that one is a Satanist. Yes, I see the irony of writing this book that I am clearly not keeping Satanism to myself. Not because of shame, but because it is the individual’s business, and since the church does not actively recruit, as I make quite apparent throughout this text, then one could understand my stifling of bragging about being a Satanist, or an Atheist after that, or even bisexual, because of persecution. I know most would say, who cares what other people think, but that’s when you have a counterculture to latch on to, to help you through the hard times, I preferred silence to action, and it was the right choice. I never much cared for other people’s fights, unless they would inherently benefit me. I learned to give less and less of a shit as I moved through the stream of life. Apparently, I couldn’t control the fates, except for my own, simply by choosing to be one way or another. I could be a deviant, a libertine, I could fuck and suck my way through high school and college, and at times, I certainly did. I’ve done more sexually in my youth than I could have ever imagined, and I cannot say it wasn’t awesome, but the sad fact is that when you are younger, sex is better. I loved when I had a dominant or submissive partner, I loved when a bit of pain and fear was encompassing into the sex, even at a young age. I loved sex, and I loved unique sex. The internet opened up so many grand ideas that I never had access to before, and I learned how to enjoy myself sexually, and grow comfortably into my niche. I live in one of the greatest generations of sexual exploration, that I cannot see how more people don’t explore every orifice in every possible manner. When I was sixteen, I discovered the Marquis de Sade, and I learned that my feelings were mutual throughout all of history. De Sade was perhaps my greatest philosophical influence, besides the likes of Ayn Rand and Anton Szandor LaVey, but his writing, so blatant, like pure smut was requital to readers with such eloquence description. I fell in love with works likes Philosophy in the Bedroom, a great immoral tale, a pure libertine outlook as well. Granted, by today’s standards, it is still a bit raunchy, and there are other works to have come along in the most recent history (50 Shades of Grey) that are equal to, if not more descriptive of S and M lifestyle, but the Marquis de Sade can never be toppled with such a rich history of libertine values. Being bisexual, and knowing at a rather young age that I was, de Sade was a great outlet for understanding that you did not have to be set to any standard to enjoy your sexuality. I didn't have to adhere to stereotypes, like being a “twink”, or acting overly brutish if I chose not to, so I still act like me, and not deal with the walking caricatures that came around with limp wrists and bleached assholes. My first sexual experience was homosexual, and although I went on to have a steady relationship for some years with a girl, I still respected the fact that I was attracted to men as well. This played greatly into my becoming a Satanist as well. The Church of Satan doesn't discriminate members of a certain race, sex, creed, or sexual identification. Sexually speaking, I am very much the libertine, but I have always been very loyal to whoever I was in a relationship with, I never cheated if I was dating, however, if I was not in a committed relationship, I would do whatever I pleased, which was the occasional fling, but nothing serious. I’m quite tame for libertine standards, but I don’t always count numbers as meaning libertine, but what one enjoys, and refuses to depart from, such as sexual oddities and fetishes. I’ll touch a little bit more on this subject in chapter 3. I’ll end this chapter with simply saying that despite all the giant misconceptions found in Satanism, the truths about the Church and its members are nowhere near as terrible as whatever the skeptical white lighter has concocted in their minds. The philosophy is simple: Life is short, so don’t fuck it up! Enjoy yourself a little bit, even if it goes against the norm, and try your best to be nice and show compassion to those that deserve it, not go about trying to be nice to everyone, wasting your time and energies on assholes. I knew many people like “those assholes”, LaVey called them Psychic Vampires, the kind of people that sap energy out of the room by their mere presence. I’ll discuss my own personal experiences with Psychic Vampires towards the later part of chapter 2, but for now, it is time to talk kimchi!