You ever feel like you've peaked at age 18? I'm a guy, so naturally I feel like my best days we when I could actually enjoy sex without pulling a muscle. My mid-life crisis is coming up on me, kinda scary when you think about it....thirty years old is less than six months away, and I'm feeling like the old man who sees nothing but despair ahead. I'm short, fat, unattractive, and a mooch, and those see my good qualities.
Alas, I see my thirtieth birthday encroaching, and quite frankly, I've looked back on a genuflected lifestyle that has made me question if I've done anything of realistic value. Perhaps it's just culture which makes us think this way, but I believe that deep down that it's our evolutionarily rooted trait of always striving to survive greater, pushing envelops that would otherwise pe seen as pedantic wastes of time. I'm. It sure if I've done right by myself, or I'll hsve time to make up for time spent dallying around when my real skills have been left unaccounted in the landscape of past dreams. All I know is that I'm wandering through the desert of the beginning of the end, and it's rattling me into weakness.
I have never feared my death so much as I've feared my life, and that what most of us actually fear: it's not the embracing end that comes from a reaper's scythe, as so fantastically laid out throughout human history, but the fear of those who carry on, and living a life of worthless illness. Many people fear living, taking risks, and the art of playing it safe keeps them more comforted than a snuggie in a Saturday morning. They feel safe on their couch watching the weekend edition of the local news on one channel, and reading tweets and Facebook notifications on a tablet or phone. This is the new sweet-spot, which isn't much like the older axioms, but it gives comfort where there was only doubt.
I have a fear of life, I fear doing well, and success bodes deadly on my family. I suppose it's because few have ever been successful in this family, and the few that do, are cursed by some estranged force. I know it's just circumstances, and everyone has issues, it's only then how one perceives such issues that they seem to acclimate, when really one is only seeking to acknowledge the bad, not the good. However, I am approaching on three decades of life far quicker than I ever wanted to imagine. I don't expect to celebrate, because celebration to me is doing what I do best: avoiding the fray, enjoying a comfortable day home with friends and loved ones. Which are sadly, yet honorably, far-and-few in-between.
I've been successful in the past, but have I continually been successful? No, sadly it's not as often as I would like, of course am I even as different than say Bill Gates, or Steven Spielberg in this manner? Certainly they had failures, many, and have overcome great obtstacles to impede potential failures on their grandest successes. I'm more a creature of habit, and I don't doubt that my views on success and failure are rendered more from my ineptitudes, and perhaps a lack of a strong emotional support system.
That would seem the case for many, but I do have a strong support system, one that's built on both friendship, and culminated with people who support my dreams, and believe I am amassed with a talent for language and etymology, dictating my way through strong prose and firm, grasping theses. Yet, I at times feel lost, confused. Still, there is much needed to be done before I am done trudging through this life.
As I encroach thirty, I've learned much about myself...that I am not done trying to become a writer, and I will push myself ever-onward towards that golden dream.
No comments:
Post a Comment